An Open Window

OK so I recently discovered that I am heavily into the BDSM lifestyle. If anyone else is reading this and is either into the lifestyle or just curios about it or anything, just go to fetlife.com you Don’t even have to set up an account. but if you do, they are right now doing a promotional giveaway for christmas. who knows what you might win?

OK, so nobody probably reads this anymore, but hey, it still helps to throw this stuff down.

Fear has never been something I’ve had to deal with. I’ve always had the ability to simply shake everything off, roll with the punches, and just keep going. But apparently, that was because I only had to worry about myself. But now, there’s more. I have always cared about my friends, but recently, I destroyed every wall I had ever built, and let myself truly love people. Not all of them, just the ones that I feel deserve it. And now, since I care about more than just myself, I am reaquainted with fear. Not for myself. No, I still don’t give a single thought to what happens to me. But I fear for those I love. I fear that they will be hurt, that they might leave, that they might even die. I now realize that, while it’s easy to open yourself, its near impossible to close back up. And honestly, I don’t think I would if I could. Because yes, I now know fear, but I also have never smiled this much. It’s kinda nice. I love these people, and I don’t want to lose them, but I don’t worry about that too much. The possibility is there, and thinking about it scares me, but when I am with them, it’s like a warm ray of sunshine after being lost in the depths of a cave. It may sound sappy, but I don’t like to hide myself.

Amazing Grace,
How sweet the sound
that deafened the world,
that justified massacre.

I was never lost,
yet somehow I am found,
and chained by false guilt,
my life restricted,
hobbled,
cut.

Every fault magnified
all my good ignored
subdued.
Only in Him can I be redeemed
of the sin they coat me in.

I could waste my life in praise,
reserve my seat in Heaven
so that I can spend eternity
offering to God my praise.

Or

I could leave.
Realzie that I am free,
that I am not burdened
by a dead man’s weight,
that I can be content
just as I am.

Many Fruits I do enjoy
of this I shall not lie.
But never did I eat a fruit
that caused my soul to fry.

Pears, Bananas, Tangerines,
Starfruit and ripe Mangoes,
many more in many score,
but none seem of Atropos.

No snake has ever come to me
to offer sustenance.
No speaking serpent have I met,
no other beast in remembrance.

No woman hath appraoched me,
my wife or otherwise,
and said to me “Come take a bite,
this fruit will make you wise.”

It would seem that Adam did,
and I hold him no ill will.
But Someone holds it against me.
Dude, now what’s his deal?

Adam ate it, so did Eve,
But I did not so dine.
So what was it that I did eat
that I am condemned to die?

There isn’t one set purpose that fits for all people. So stop looking to every one else to give you your answer. The church ddoesn’t know what you’re supposed to do with your life. You’re parents don’t know what you’re supposed to do. MTV isn’t even close. And the media in general just wants you to be a happy little consumer-drone. So find your own meaning. Live your life your way. Duh.
And the first person who comes to me looking for the meaning of their life, I got a lead pipe that needs a few dents.

OK, so I got my own idea. I got hit by an idea for a book, and literally had to pull over to write it down it hit me so hard. So, essentially, its an extended metaphor (one I think Chris would appreciate) about the blind obedience of the masses slowly falling away as they discover the truth behind the lies fed to them by the government. I am not yet sure whether to make it a book or a big poem.

Ummm, I’m thinking of writing a book. Not an actual novel, more a collection of short stories. Kind of in the king/Lovecraft vein, with some creepy chillers and a few really deep glances at society, and a lot of hidden anti-church messages. maybe have the pope turn out to be a naz—nevermind. but seriously, like a virus knowingly spread by a bishop so that he may lengthen his life for fear of God’s judgement. And when he realizes what he has done, he keeps doing it, for fear that he will surely be damned. A trap of circular logic. so, any thoughts? I haven’t oficially started writing yet, so comments with strange, amorphous ideas open to interpretation would be lovely.

Pain carves its runes into my heart

The distance between us tears me apart

Better for the self to simply end

than live on in this pain that rends

and tears me ’til I can only be mended

By your very presence, thus my pain is ended.

OK, this very likely sucks, but I did it in church and was bored out of my skull.

OK, this was a sonnet I did for Ms. Adams a while back, but I like it, and it is readily available to post.

Going to the end,

Smiling all the while.

Wit has reached its end.

Purpose left in a pile.

She stole my heart;

I didn’t complain.

She almost made an art

Of driving me insane.

Until she comes back,

I’ll keep on this listless chase

Hoping for some track

That takes me to her embrace

Take care of my heart, I left it with you.

It’ll always be yours, and I’ll always be true.

Ok, this is probably wrong, given that the universe is expanding, but it seemed like a cool idea to me.

OK, so the universe starts with a Big Bang. My eyes see this as an event set off by whatever diety was there. Now, what is this is not the first, or the last? What if, after a certain length of time, that massive black hole at the center of the universe reached such a huge size that it started to pull everything back? After trillions of years, everything in the universe would be sucked back into this black hole. Once it reached this supercritical mass, either

A. the sheer size causes it to explode and thus, restart the universe, or

B. some diety says “Boom” and the same thing happens.

What if the central black hole is like some god’s reset button?

This is the kind of thing I think of when I am forced to go to church. I am way to easily distracted.